Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
