i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
