I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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