dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
