Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
