Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
