my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
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Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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