Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
