i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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