Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
