i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
