I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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