her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
