From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
