Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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