Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
