there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
