God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
