the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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