I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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