If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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