ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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