y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
