hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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