I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
pray to the hookup gods
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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