Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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