peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
