dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
