i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
