This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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