I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
