the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
home. puking in laundry basket.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
