i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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