I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
