i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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