I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
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she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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