I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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