you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
