Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
