I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
