So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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