can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
