So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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