i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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