I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
