I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
