I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
