my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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