This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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