the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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