Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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