from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
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