i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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