If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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