So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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