Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
